dilemma

Posted by konstrain on Jan 25, 2009 in fiction, regular stuffs | 0 comments

life can be pretty cool sometimes and life can be rather cruel at times, very much to the point where you think “is someone up there playing a fool on me?”

first and foremost, allow me to apologize for this will be a negative post. you’re welcome to read on, or if you decide to remain positive, please stop here and probably continue elsewhere that is cheerful like so.

i’m feeling kinda shitty right now. well maybe it’s cny, but clearly the cheery atmosphere isn’t helping much. perhaps because it is cny, everybody thought everyone is going to be happy. sorry, but i’m not. i’m seriously perturbed nearly to the point of losing it. granted i may be in a position where i’m more fortunate than some other people at the same time i’m writing this, but i’ve got to think of myself sometimes, right?

i’ve still not gotten over the fact that i was blamed for something that i didn’t do right, or so i thought.
or, was i being judged upon? i’m not sure.
or, maybe i’m stupid enough to misinterpret certain things, i don’t know.
or, could it be that i’m taken for granted, i hope so.
or, perhaps i’m living in complacency where danger is actually looming and i’m still happy-go-lucky.

shit. in this particular moment i’ve almost forgotten that word. happy-go-lucky.

in any case, until this point, if you’re still reading this, i’m sorry to get you confused. my mind is still warped, blurred by the vision of tears, fused with sparks of anger that is seemingly bottomless. really, tell me what you want, K. tell me so that i can help you. do i really need help? i guess i do, but what kind of help? it’s weird when i can’t think anymore. my mind is simply full of thoughts that i had initially wanted it to be important. very much so, until when that something important pierced a blunt knife into my heart, twisting and turning in any way possible.

sigh.

in less than 24 hours, it’ll be the ox’s turn to take over the year. at this period of time where i’m supposed to be resting, i’m given an arduous task that could potentially wreak havoc. failure to complete this task however, would bring on endless hailstorm.

am i still not doing enough? or you just don’t effing understand? or would i have to prove myself lying in a pool of blood holding on to a letter of last words? i’m just standing at a crossroad here. yea i guess i really do need help. is there someone out there? do you hear me? i need a hand, please answer my prayer, grant me strength and wisdom to walk through this valley of deep darkness.

*breathes heavily*

i should be sleeping now, lest my parents need my help tomorrow with cleaning the house. if you’re still reading up till here, my heartfelt thank you for staying with me.